Because of the Answering machine
by TripWire- dono
Summary: Our newlyweds are finally on their honeymoon in the Carribean. but the only thing stopping thm was... THE ANSWERING MACHINE! dun dun dun...! how will they escape this horror! KenpachixUnohana R&R XD


Wassup

**Wassup! People of the Earth…! ." whatever, I'm senile.**

**I actually entered this in a fanfic competition for this anime and manga convention called SMASH 2008! Though I didn't win, it was really fun. So I hope you enjoy this and yeah I got the feedback for it and apparently it wasn't all that great sigh.**

**LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!**

.:WIN:.

Mission accomplished. The day was finally warming up to him. Officers out of sight. Lieutenant? zilch. Desk? Clean. The letter from Soutaichou confirming the honeymoon? Check. He quickly filtered through the files and reports one last time before leaving. He must remember to thank Yumichika for the excellent romantic holiday destination, Fraser Island, Australia.

Kenpachi hauled the last of the suitcases out the 11th Division door. They were his and Unohana's luggage and boy did that give him something to sweat about. What does she pack in these damn things? All four of her favourite hair straightners?

Things have changed since that Winter War. Aizen has been defeated and the Espadas and Arrancars were all killed but Grimmjaw and Ulquiorra, who had survived and escaped. Friendship lost, friendship gained, death, life, betrayal, insanity, trust and faith. Most certainly love. Zaraki had fallen in love with Retsu and she moved in with him after the war though she still works at the 4th squad. Yachiru became the adopted daughter. The little girl was so happy she had and went sugar and crashed. When she was away on 'business', Isane fukutaichou took care of office matters. Of course, they got married.

Kenpachi sighed in frustration. "Move it Retsu! We gotta make a dash while we still can"

That's right. They better hurry or old man Yama might want to rescind their orders when his bored. He waited for the woman to hurry downstairs.

"Okay, I am ready," replied Unohana. She wore the outfit her husband bought for her on their first date. A white blouse with embroidered flowers and a blue skirt. She wore her hair not in the weird braid but tied up with the pink ribbon he sacrificed his reputation and bought for.

"Alright, times a wasting" he hauled all seven suitcases with three in the left and four on the right. If he can't grip his sword right, at least he will remember this day.

"Oh wait! What happens if someone calls while we are away?" she asked.

"I knew you'd start panicking so that's why I bought… an answering machine!" Kenpachi placed the luggage down and strode over to the contraption sitting on his desk and held down the red button.

"We're not here right at the moment so please leave a message after the beep"

**BEEP**

"Alright, lets go" he growled.

"OK…" Unohana seemed satisfied.

Kenpachi picked up the suitcases and was about to step over the threshold when:

"But we are away for two weeks. People will think we are being rude for not replying straight away"

He dropped the load with a loud BOOM and then skulked towards the answering machine. How he ever loved the woman he will never know. Retsu was thoroughly disarming, warm and likable, with an aspect that compelled people to confide secrets in her. Her gaze can switch from a friendly persuasion to utterly cold command in an instant.

"We're on holidays for two weeks and won't be returning until the 7th of December. Leave your message after the beep" he responded angrily. He gave a last glare at the thing before releasing the button.

**BEEP**

"NOW we can go" his bells jingled as he grabbed the suitcases and stiffly proceeded to the door when:

"What if a burglar rings?" Unohana inquired innocently.

Kenpachi spat obscene cursed words, not caring how much of his pay would go into the Yachiru's _swear jar. _It's a shame the theatrics were wasted on only one audience. Once again, he leaned maliciously over the answering machine. It seems that his anger and impatience didn't register with Unohana.

"We're on holiday and won't be returning till 7th of December! Leave the message after the beep and bald, mental Ikkaku who's staying will pass this on"

**BEEP**

"Now people are going to think that we are being rude for not replying to the message that _bald, mental Ikkaku_ passes on"

"We're on holiday and won't be fricken returning till 7th of December! Leave your damn message after the beep and bald, mental _DEAF_ Ikkaku will pass this on."

**BEEP**

"So now how is he going to hear burglars breaking in?"

"WE'RE ON HOLIDAY AND WON'T BE RETURNING TILL 7TH DECEMBER! LEAVE YOUR FUCKING MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP AND BALD, MENTAL DEAF IKKAKU WILL PASS THIS ON UNLESS HE'S TAKING YACHIRU WHO IS A LITTLE VICIOUS BUGGER OUT FOR A WALK!"

"But what if the burglar-"

He interrupted Unohana "_IN _which case just ring the hell back in a few moments because he's never gone for very long…" Kenpachi sighed in defeat.

"The burglars might then-"

"Look, it doesn't fucking matter because we haven't got anything worth nicking" he tried to reason with his wife. It was a good thing that the 4th captain was already used to the streams of profanity.

"But the answering machine is new!"

"**FINE! WE'LL TAKE THE FUCKING THING WITH US THEN!**"

Without bothering to finish recording the new answering machine message, the absolutely annoyed, irritated and infuriated captain yanked the cord out of the socket and stuffed it under his armpits and bulldozered out the door, cracking the wooden floorboards in the rampage. Shinigami's from the outside dived and leaped out of the powered captain's way.

"He must be real excited about the honeymoon" said Renji to Shuuhei. They were in a bar and just witnessed the speeding Zaraki.

"You sure it wasn't Orihime inviting him to the Going Away party?" Shuuhei responded.

"You serious there is such a thing?"

"Yup" he chugged down his drink. Renji chugged it down too and got up ready to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Setting off on a really long journey. That's right, I really long one."

"Me too" the thought of 'Ambush Stew' reappeared in his mind.

When you're on a honeymoon, make sure you dash like mad before anything like this happens or you'll find yourself in a very…problematic situation like this lovely newlyweds. You may not know but there are chances you might cause other people problems too.

**OWARI**

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**Hope you enjoyed this one! Boy I haven't updated in a looooooong time…**

**Oh well JA NE**

**TripWire- dono**


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